In honor of LOST ending, but mostly because I’m becoming more and more allergic to the politicians and celebrities I see in the news (symptoms are similar to most of the really bad ones mentioned in any major pharmaceutical ad). I am giving you my Top Ten People I Would Banish to a Desert Island. I feel life might be a little better if these people weren’t around talking their talk, breathing our air, or just taking up space in general.
So here they are banished for the rest of their natural lives, or if we are choosing the Island from LOST…forever (and real forever, not that sideways, up and down, might-not-be forever, forever).
1. Sarah and Bristol Palin
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Aren’t they two people? Shouldn’t they count as two people?” Well no. For one, it’s my Top Ten and I can do what I want. If you think otherwise, get your own stupid blog. And two, because if you really factor the intelligence between the two of them, you’ll realize that between the two of them, they really only add up to one person. Besides, who needs a quitting failure of a Governor who “wrote” a book, and her spawn willing to spread her legs for an Alaskan Backstreet wannabe clogging up anymore of our collective consciousness. plus, we could save Haiti, Thailand, and pay our teachers more from what these yahoos are getting paid on the public lecture circuit.
2. Ann Coulter
I could care less if she is a conservative or a liberal. She spiteful, hateful, and I’m pretty sure she is packing a penis, so that makes her a liar. Plus she just won’t shut up, and who needs that kind of fun at a party. It’s actually better for her, she can talk all she wants on the Island, and none of us have to listen to it. Plus, I’m sure her, Sarah, and Bristol would get along beautifully. This would save the justice system time and money for one of them being charged with murder. My bet is on Coulter. She’d shank a bitch.
3. Tiger Woods
Yeah, yeah, yeah…I don’t care how good of a golfer he is, he’s still an ass-hat. At least with Jimmy Connors, you knew he was a dick and that’s what you had to expect. Tiger gave us all a squeaky clean image that turned out to be a lie. Plus, the guy has a degree from Stanford. How smart can he be to cheat on his wife like that…have you seen her? If I were Stanford, I would revoke his degree for being a public dumbass. And yes, it’s out of spite and betrayal that I send him to the island. It will give him time to die old and gracefully, which is something I won’t give him in this lifetime if he sticks around.
4. Kate Gosselin
I’d settle for pushing her out of the boat to watch her drown before even reaching the Island. This is no understatement…she will fuck up those kids something terrible. If that isn’t a good enough reason to banish her, I don’t know what is.
5. Glen Beck
To quote from Fight Club he is like “the sore on the roof of your mouth that would heal if you could just stop tonguing it”. Although I wold love to watch the eventual breakdown of this man on television, I’m still not convinced he might not be the anti-Christ either. And who wouldn’t want to keep that guy someplace confined where you know what he’s up to at all times. Besides, from what I hear Git-Mo is still pretty crowded. Plus, you need at least two hypocrites on a desert island to really make the personal dynamics sizzle.
6. Lady Gaga
Whatever you say to me about her past struggles or her artisitc integrity, I always come back to the reason she is always hiding her face in costume or having it covered in blood: histrionics can’t replace real talent. Putting her on that island would at least allow room for a few actual musicians. You know, ones that actually play an instrument and sing, not dance around and club at a piano like a gorilla. She and Kate can always talk make-over tips.
7. Mark Zuckerberg
The founder of Facebook has proven to be a bigger douche than Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Ted Turner, and Donald Trump could ever hope to be. At least those guys give you something of value. Zuck has done nothing but provide for himself a large proving ground of your personal information. Stalin treated people in the gulag better. I say after lying to us about how our information is gathered and disseminated, then made it harder to get out of it than swimming the English Channel with a pair of cement shoes, he’s getting off easy. Easy, I tell you. Mark my words.
8. Justin Bieber
I’ll be honest. At first, I thought Miley Cyrus. But she was just playing a part in Hannah Montana. Outside of that arena, she seems OK. Then, I thought the Jonas Brothers. But that might just make Sarah, Bristol, Ann, and Kate procreate. And let’s face it, none of need anymore of that scenario. Bieber perfect. He’s young. So if they start to starve, he’ll be one of the first to go. He’s ignorant. So most likely he’ll be ostracized and maligned. And he can keep Bristol company while they talk about how much their vagina’s hurt. Then there’s always the chance he’s so arrogant he would bring his own records to the Island, essentially sealing his fate and getting them out of public circulation.
9. Nick Cage
It’s the only way to stop Hollywood from putting him in any more movies. You know it, and I know it.
10. Tom Cruise
If only to free Katie Holes up. Is there a better reason?
There you have it folks. That should free up some important room in our public dialogue sphere. And just to add salt to the wounds, they can only bring a snuggie and a pair of crocs, and have to watch the Twilight series ad nauseum.