Hoping For A Piece of Frozen Hell or Penance for Sins, Pennants for Wins

It’s been hot here in Alabama this summer. It’s been hot everywhere this summer. Places that usually stay more temperate have had rising heat indexes; while the warmer regions of the country (insert “deep south” here) have just been downright unbearable. It seemed as if for weeks and weeks the mercury on the thermometer held steady at an even 100 degrees with no thoughts of taking a break. And let’s not even get started on the drought that many regions of the country have been enduring all summer. We haven’t had a decent drenching here in Alabama for almost 5 months. My yard is so brown that when I take out the dog the burnt grass underneath pops like bubble wrap. It was giving a whole new meaning to the phrase, “The South is burning.”

Then, last week, things started to cool off a bit. Temps were rising only into the lower 80’s, with evenings dropping down in the lower 50’s, and on one evening the high 40’s. Welcome relief. I turned off the A/C and opened the windows to let a little air waft through my humble home. And let me tell you it was about the perfect time, this place stared to smell like a college dorm room inhabited by hippies and international students.

But why did the temperature break? I went searching for the meteorological answer on the internet. Was there some strange weather anomaly that had allowed the heat oppressed south to feel an early reprieve from the early autumn heat? No. Well maybe, I don’t know, that’s not really the point to the story, and besides, understanding weather is akin to me trying to play scrabble with George W. Bush, frustrating and boring. However, I did find a possible answer in a story that was buried most of last week in favor of more pressing news, namely that Spears chick losing custody of her kids.

Late last week, Islamic leaders sent an open letter to Christian leaders throughout the world, asking for peace. That’s it! I found the answer. Hell finally froze over. Most likely not a deep freeze, but surely a paper thin coating of frost at the gates of hell. The real hard freeze will happen if the Christian leaders respond. Cynical you say?? Yes, most definitely! All the greats in the pantheon were sent letters, Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodist, Baptists, even the Lutherans probably got a letter, I sure hope they did, they kind of have the market on the whole letter writing thing in their history. Now whether some smart-ass decided to nail it to the Lutheran headquarters door is at this point unknown.

The embarrassing part to this story is that the Muslim leaders, from all different sects of Islam I might add, got together to draft a letter of peace. Can you honestly see all the different Christian denominations coming together to draft a letter of peace to anyone, let alone Muslims? They are still struggling with the poor, socially unacceptable, and downtrodden to even bother to come together on subjects like peace with the Muslims. Anyone remember the Crusades? If they start responding to peace letters from the Muslims, what’s next? An open letter of apology to the Native Americans? How about a letter of peace to the gays or the African-Americans? Will the next stop be apologies all around for the Inquisition? And don’t think I am letting the Mormons and the Baptists off the hook for their “we weren’t even around for any of that!” excuse. They both have their dirty little secrets in the closet, and don’t exactly proclaim the “Plays Well With Others” banner. The Church of England will probably write a nice letter of response though, something non-committal and free of threatening retort. Listen, I liken the whole scenario to baseball: penance for sins, pennants for wins, that’s my motto. Imagine the National league sitting down and drafting a letter of peace to the American league. If they did, it might go something like this:

Dear American League,

No more games, playoffs or World Series, let’s stop this pointless bickering and competition and get together for the greater good. We will now work pro-bono for the salvation of all the fans, not just the ones who can afford to come and sit in our seats. We apologize to those we have downtrodden, the blacks, though we made amends in 1947. To the homosexuals we also apologize, although we have yet to come to terms on a deal. Instead of competition, we will now call it “friendly rivalry”, and no winner or losers should ever be declared. We propose no system of ownership or propriety. Everyone will be free to practice baseball as they see fit. We will sign autographs freely, meeting the people out in their homes. Their will be no more marketing of our respective teams. The public will be free to choose their teams. No more criteria of who has more pennants, or wins, or curses. All will be equal in the sight of the grand and glorious commissioner. Let’s finally put these squabbles behind us, and move into a new period of peace and prosperity.

Signed,

The National League

That’s why the letter of peace won’t work. That’s why this “cold” snap won’t last. And if any member of the Red Sox nation tries to tell you they would at last make peace with the Yankees, get ready for the deep chill. But I think I hear hell thawing out already. Go ahead. Listen.

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